Shassie in Development
by Sierra Wood
Summary: Snippets from episodes that have been rewritten in favor of Shassie. Each chapter is a season and the episodes are in order. Hope you like it!
1. Season 1

**S01E01- Domestic Pilot**

Lassie's old partner: You here to scope out the new meter maids?

Shawn: Nope, I'm here to see you.

Old Partner: Not interested.

Shawn: I know, you have someone special. He's married and/or separated, not to mention potentially gay or bi, haven't decided yet. Haven't decided if I'm interested either.

* * *

 _Lassie leans against the car after Shawn solves the case._

Lassie: Seriously, how?

Shawn: takes a moment to think I wish I knew.

 _Lassie nods and walks off. Shawn watches him leave and thinks, "That's a fine ass. And he smelled nice." Gus comes over to take Lassie's place next to Shawn. Shawn glances at Gus. He looks back at the direction Lassie walked of in. He thinks to himself, "A fine ass indeed."_

* * *

 **S01E05- 9 Lives**

Lassie: What in the name of sweet justice are you two doing in my crime scene?

Shawn: Your crime scene? That's funny. I didn't see your name on it anywhere. Although to be quite frank, I wanted to see your beautiful blue eyes.

* * *

 _While confronting the murderer, after getting the guy to point his gun at Gus, himself, Shawn then mentions Lassie..._

Shawn: Here's the best part. It doesn't even matter what I think, because you have a problem that's a lot bigger than me. _Points at Lassie._ This guy. The man with his gun trained on you is not only a fine human being, with a strong Irish hairline, not to mention his fine ass, he is an exemplary public servant and arguably the finest detective mind in the lower western Santa Barbara County area over the age of 35. And right now, while I'm speaking, he is devising a swift and stealth like tactic that is going to disarm you and blow your mind!

* * *

 **S01E06- Weekend Warriors**

Shawn: Fine. I'll get you a name. _Turns to walk out and gestures to Lassie._ And I'll find you a woman, or a man.

* * *

 **S01E07- Who Ya Gonna Call?**

 _Shawn and Gus pull up in front of Lassie and Jules._

Shawn: Good morning Detectives, collecting donations for the Policemen's Ball?

Lassie: We don't have balls.

Shawn: Aw, that's a shame, I might of asked you to go with me.

 _Shawn gets up and walks around the bar._

Shawn: Lassie?

Lassie: Spencer. Why am I surprised?

Shawn: Why are you wasted?

Lassie: Hey, do you like Scotch? Miss! Can I get two more of these, please? Thank you. Listen, there is something I have got to get off my chest.

Shawn: Is it your shirt? Please say yes.

Lassie: You *pauses* astound me.

Shawn: Come again?

Lassie: It's beyond astounding. It is some of the most impressive reasoning I've ever seen.

Shawn: Is there a punch line coming? Let's get to it.

Lassie: I don't know how you do it. I mean, it's not psychic-ness, we both know that's a crock of crap. But you, sir, are unstoppable, guaranteed arrest, which I find... Hot. You're hot.

Shawn: What's happening here?

Lassie: Can I tell you a secret?

Shawn: I wouldn't recommend it, no.

Lassie: Listen, you know how everyone thinks my wife and I have been separated for nine months?

Shawn: Yes.

Lassie: Two years. Two years tonight. And I'm the one who keeps trying to fix the thing. I mean... *starts to fall off his chair, Shawn grabs him*

Shawn: Jeez.

Lassie: ...counseling, therapy, acupuncture, you name it. I have tried to try to try it.

Shawn: Well, I'm gonna let you go. Don't drive.

Lassie: You know, I used to be a good cop. Seriously. Stunning arrest record. It was one of the best in the department. I caught the Back Bay killer.

Shawn: Yes, you did. I remember it well.

Lassie: Although I had a tip.

Shawn: The blue sedan.

Lassie: Yeah. *realizes it was Shawn who tipped him* That was you?

Shawn: It might have been.

Lassie: See what I mean? You and I... We've been working together for a while then... That's... That's...

Shawn: Come on, you still had to put it all together, right?

Lassie: Look, Spencer, the blue sedan was the key to the whole thing. It was the murderer's car. You noticed it. I didn't.

Shawn: Yeah, but who had to run the plates? And all those numbers and letters could have confused many a cop.

Lassie: Spencer, stop, okay? I am done. Here, I want you to have these. *reaches for his handcuffs* I don't need them. I am over. *puts cuffs on the table*

Shawn: All right, just stop this. This is nonsense. You're not over. Look, you're a striking man with strong gorgeous features, eyes that women, and men, want to do cannonballs into. You have great posture and penmanship the likes I've never seen, which is hot.

Lassie: No, I have officially hit rock bottom. A month ago, I got this case right? A healthy 42-year-old astronomer dies. Doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, spends all day in an ergonomically-designed chair, charting the night sky. Natural causes, that's what the Coroner comes back with. Does a full autopsy. No red flags. Nothing. I know he was murdered. I just can't...

Shawn: What? What? What is this?

Lassie: ...prove it! The department won't even let me pursue it.

Shawn: Come on, you'll figure it out.

Lassie: No, I won't. I can't. And I've accepted that.

Shawn: Alright, look, Lassie... *struggles* Carlton, I believe in you. I really do. You just gotta trust your instincts. (girl comes over screaming that she just got engaged.) (Thud) *Shawn turns around.* Stick with it, Lassie. You... *sees Lassie passed out on the floor* You can solve this thing. You're halfway there already.

* * *

 _Lassie comes in for work the day after he solved the case. Everyone is congratulating him. He grabs Shawn._

Lassie: Spencer, a moment of your precious time.

 _They go into the Chief's office._

Shawn: Are you sure we should be in here?

Lassie: That night in the bar, I mentioned my wife, didn't I?

Shawn: Yes.

Lassie: Oh, crap. What did I say, exactly?

Shawn: That she wants you back.

Lassie: No, no, I don't think I said that.

Shawn: Maybe I sensed that.

Lassie: You didn't sense it either, but thanks for trying to help. To tell you the truth, I think I got some help on this case.

Shawn: Really?

Lassie: Yeah.

Shawn: Well, hey, man, we all get help sometimes, right? It's the truly great ones that know how to accept it. And if I may add on more thing, Detective, you astound me.

Lassie: Second half to that joke?

Shawn: No.

Lassie: No? *Jules comes in*

Jules: The press is asking for you outside.

Lassie: Tell them I will be right there. *Jules leaves*

Lassie: To tell you the truth, Spencer, sometimes I astound myself. *points to tie* How's the knot?

Shawn: Tight, and sexy.

Lassie: *gives a thumbs up* Great. *leaves*

Shawn: (shouts after him) Hey! You look hot by the way!

* * *

 **S01E11- He loves Me, He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me, Oops He's Dead!**

 _Lassie gets handed a case file. He clearly doesn't want it._

Gus: Shawn. Shawn.

 _Shawn is messing around with the other officers._

Lassie: (calls nicely) Hey, Spencer.

Shawn: Lassie face.

Lassie: Got the perfect case for you guys.

Shawn: I'm sorry. You're saying that you want our help?

Lassie: Yeah.

Shawn: So what's the catch?

Lassie: There's no catch. Just right up your alley. We could really use your insights in this one. The guy's waiting to give you a statement. Interrogation room B. *pats Shawn on the back* Make me proud. *Strodes off.*

Gus: Okay. What does that sound like to you?

Shawn: An opportunity, and that he totally wants me.

* * *

 _Lassie goes over to the table where Shawn, Gus, and Jules are._

Lassie: Okay, I checked out your tread pattern. *Juliet hands him a paper* It's a high performance tire manufactured after 2002. So we're looking for a woman who drives a late model sports car, probably American-made.

Gus: And 5'2" and likes strappy heels.

Shawn: *points at Gus* Check. Question. *points at Lassie* Is that what you're wearing?

Lassie: What's wrong with what I'm wearing? I always wear this.

Shawn: Exactly. Lassie you look like a cop. Though I have to give you some credit, the blue? Brings out your gorgeous blue eyes. Now come on man. *Taps Lassie's jacket a few times.* Is that your holster?

Lassie: Of course it is.

Shawn: You're here to speed date, man, not shoot somebody. You gotta loosen up. Come on, take off the tie.

Lassie: I'm not taking fashion tips from you.

Shawn: You need to show some chest hair. Chicks dig the sternum bush. *Turns to Jules* Jules, back me up in the stern bush.

Jules: I'm going to go see what these women have to say before this thing starts.

Shawn: Bye Jules. All right, come on. Let's go, Simon Cowell. You got the salt and pepper, man. It's nice, and really sexy.

Lassie: I'm not taking off my tie just 'cause you tell me to.

Shawn: Fine. Suit yourself.

* * *

 **S01E12- Cloudy... Chance of Murder**

 _Shawn is at the auction to get his bike back. He just gratefully turned down offers to help get his bike back._

Buzz: Shawn! *fills kick stand to bike*

Shawn: Buzz.

Buzz: I believe this is yours. They just pulled it from the auction.

Gus: Pulled it from the auction. What?

Shawn: I was... I was... I've been practicing my paddle raise. It's a subtle move.

Buzz: Yeah, you got your bike back. It was taken care of internally.

Shawn: What does that mean? "Internally"?

Buzz: I don't know. They just gave me the paperwork. *hands Shawn the paperwork*

*Lassie comes out from the back, scratching his head like he'd done something after glancing at the bike* *stops in front of Shawn and the group like he's been caught, doesn't really show on his face but it's there* *they all look at him*

Lassie: You- you look good on that bike, Spencer... *he flicks his eyes around and blinks* What are you looking at? Go home! *Shawn watches him leave slightly with a confused look on his face*

* * *

 **S01E13- Game, Set... Muuurder?**

Jules: Shawn, I can't just give you a case because Gus is out if town this weekend and you're lonely.

Shawn: Fine, maybe together we can figure out how I can be less lonely, hey do you know if Lassie is free?

* * *

*Shawn crashes into the door*

Lassie: Spencer, what the hell are you doing?

Shawn: Trying something. I feel conventional vision is weakening my skills.

Jules: Is that my scarf?

Shawn: I... I'm getting serviced. Return service. No, a net. Fishnet? No! I looove somebody. *puts hand on Lassie's head with a flourish* Perhaps in the near but distant future. Now I'm getting Grecian Formula. That's weird. You don't need it Lassie, your hair is beautiful and it's color is ravish worthy. *Lassie moves Shawn's hand roughly, he makes a pained gasp*

Shawn: It's not about what's there, it's about what's missing. Tennis equipment. *makes noises* No, a tennis player is missing. Björn Borg is missing! No. Who's missing?

Chief: Congratulations, Mr. Spencer. You've just joined the case.

Lassie: What?

Chief: We can all pitch in. Deanna Sirtis was supposed to meet her father Leonard at the airport last night.

Jules: They were flying to Tokyo for a tournament but she never showed up. The last time anyone saw her was at tennis practice that morning. *Shawn sees headline, Stalker fan arrested.*

Shawn: *hand to head* Has anyone checked out her stalker?

Jules: Felix Alvarez? We're looking into him, since we know he broke into her house a few months ago.

Chief: But what we need from you now is to psychically locate Deanna while we follow leads using conventional methods.

Shawn: You mean, Lassie and I can work together?

Lassie: *displeased with this statement* Yeah, but separate.

Shawn: Should we synchronize our watches?

Lassie: You're not wearing a watch.

Shawn: That's a good point. Chief, I'd like to put in a requisition order for a new watch. Lassie, can you sign for that?

Chief: Alright, that's enough. Just... Now, let's go do your jobs. All of you. *Jules leaves first.* *Shawn and Lassie try to leave at the same time, Shawn gets slammed into the door by Lassie*

Shawn: Hey! *The two stand in the door way and stare at each other*

Shawn: You're eyes are still beautiful.

Lassie: What? *Shawn slips out before Lassie* *Lassie turns around to the Chief exasperated already*

Lassie: Thank you. *Chief smiles, clearly amused*

* * *

 _Lassie has coffee. He's taking on the phone._

Lassie: All right. Get her down to the station and take her statement. Nail down the last time she saw Deanna. I'm on my way now. *Shawn and Gus walks up behind him and he stops*

Shawn: I am sensing you're drinking a nonfat vanilla, half caf with lots of whipped cream but without your usual pink straw.

Lassie: What are you two stalking me now? Or did you come to tell me where the missing girl is?

Shawn: No. *Lassie turns around to keep walking* But I did divine that Deanna has a secret boyfriend, wish I had one, a boyfriend that is not necessarily a secret one but a boyfriend, anyway, sounds like a lead to me.

Lassie: Yeah, we're looking in to all her relationships. But, you see, it's my job to investigate people with things like, you know, motive, means and opportunity. Stop following me. *Shawn and Gus follow him, Shawn obviously makes noise*

Lassie: What did I say?

Shawn: Look man, I've been meaning to have the same conversation with you about leading me. To be honest, I'm sick of it. We either walk side by side, or not at all, I don't care how beautiful your eyes are or how gorgeous your lean body is, we are equals.

* * *

 **S01E15- Scary Sherry: Bianca's Toast**

 _Shawn runs his finger down the ax blade. Cuts his finger on the blade._

Shawn: Ow! *sticks finger in his mouth*

Lassie: Give me that! *takes ax from Shawn*

Shawn: *looks at finger then at Lassie* Kiss it and make it better?


	2. Season 2

**S02E01- American Duos**

(Phone rings)

Gus: Don't you dare answer that.

 _Shawn grabs the phone anyway and looks at the caller ID._

Shawn: Dude, It's Lassie. He could be bleeding and in a ditch.

Gus: He's not bleeding.

Shawn: He could be in a ditch.

Gus: He's not in a ditch.

Shawn: He could be lonely and in the shower.

Gus: He has a shower phone?

Shawn: I certainly hope so. Dude, it's a win-win. Except for the ditch one.

* * *

 _Lassie walks in to find Shawn and Gus at the table in the Interrogation Room._

Lassie: _Turns to Buzz._ Go get me some coffee. Turns back to Shawn and Gus. Great. What are you two doing down at that competition?

Gus: We're looking for our big break.

Shawn: Do I get a phone call?

Lassie: No. I'm trying to conduct an investigation. Out.

Shawn: Don't you want to ask us if we did it?

Gus: Ask him. I plead the fifth.

 _Shawn and Gus look at each other. Lassie breaths deeply. Shawn looks back at Lassie._

Shawn: You look good today Lassie.

Lassie: _His ears turn red._ Shut up Spencer.

* * *

Lassie: Spencer. You missed something. We found prints.

Shawn: Was he in a little red Corvette?

Gus: Under the cherry moon?

Lassie: Fingerprints. They belong to Emilina Saffron. So did the drugs we found in the food. Cross-referenced them with her prescriptions and her medical records. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get a warrant.

Lassie walks off.

Shawn: _Shouts after Lassie._ I find it hot when you do that. Turns to Gus. Dude, I've got it bad.

Gus: For Lassiter? Shawn, that's messed up.

Shawn: I know, the man clearly doesn't like me. But I think my flirting is starting to get to him. Did you see him in interrogation?

Gus: You mean when you told him he looked good and his ears turned red. Yes, Shawn, I did see him.

Shawn: Soooo, you think I have a chance.

Gus: Right now, no. But in the future, I don't know, right now the ball is in Lassiter's court.

 _Shawn groans._

* * *

 _Emilina passes out after waking up._

Shawn: I think she's trying to tell us something.

Jules: That someone's looking at her?

Lassie: I was looking at her.

 _Shawn's phone rings_

Shawn: I should take this. Jules, Lassie _Looks Lassie up and down and nods._ Lassie, stay beautiful. He darts out of the room.

Lassie: Sighing. Why? Why, why, why?

Jules: Why what?

Lassie: Why me? Spencer has been making comments about me since the day I met him. I'm not sure whether to be offended or flattered.

Jules: Carlton-

Lassie: Just leave it O'Hara. I'll figure it out eventually.

* * *

 **S02E02- 65 Million Years Off**

 _Shawn and Gus see Lassie and Jules out the window._

Shawn: Oh, come on. He really is on fire. Literally. Not that that's a bad thing, Lassie needs the confidence boost every so often. I'm actually finding his on fireness hot, but it's stealing our thunder. Come on, let's go.

* * *

 **S02E03- Psy vs. Psy**

 _Shawn and Gus walking through the hall of the department. They notice a guy they think is Lassiter tying his shoes._

Shawn: Hey, check it out. There's Lassiter. Make a loop like a bunny's ear. Wrap it around. Careful as you steer. Shawn claps. Looking good Lassie. That's a good boy. Now come out and show me your sexy... _See's it's not Lassie._ ...self.

* * *

 _Vick, Lassiter, Juliet, Ewing and Lindsay are sitting at the conference table._  
Chief: So we'll check the information that Ms. Leikin's gathered for us...

 _Vick stops when Shawn and Gus enter and take seats at the table._

Shawn: Thank goodness! Finally, some nice seats, huh? This is what I'm talking about. Lassie, looking good.

 _Everyone seems uncomfortable, refusing to look at Shawn or Gus directly._

Shawn: What? Did I... did I just sit in something? (stands) Gus, do I have pudding on my jeans?

Gus: (looks at Shawn's jeans) No, no.

Shawn: Nothing? (sits)

Gus: Shawn. I think we're not welcomed here.

Shawn: Gus, don't be a paranoid schizophrenic. We're always welcome here.

Gus: No, look.

Shawn: (Shawn realizes no one will meet his gaze) Oh, my God. We're not welcome. Lassie, really, won't even show me your beautiful blue eyes.

Chief: It's nothing personal, Mr. Spencer. Special Agent Ewing just feels that Ms. Leiken has things covered on the psychic front, and I have to agree with him.

Shawn: Okay. I can take a hint. Certainly don't need to be told twice.

Gus: I think you were just told three times.

Shawn: You know what, this is fine, because we had a good run. Thank you for the memories. Lassie, stay gorgeous and find a way to get a Washington Black suit, it would make you look dashing.

 _Shawn and Gus stand and head for the door. Shawn and stops and turns around._

Shawn: Oh, just one more thing. You might want to check the cash from the dealership, because it's not all counterfeit. (mock salutes and starts to walks away)

Ewing: (stands) That's ridiculous. (Shawn stops) If I had learned how to laugh as a child, I would right now. I looked at all those bills myself. Do you really want to go against the leading special agent in counterfeiting with 14 years of experience under his belt and say that those bills weren't fake?

Shawn: Not all of them. Just one. And I believe the serial number was ALD97570807...7!

 _Shawn and Gus walk away. Ewing looks at the bills with a magnifying glass._

* * *

 **S02E04- Zero to Murder in 60 Seconds**

 _Shawn and Gus center themselves in the intersection of the halls. SHAWN grabs the armrest of GUS' chair._

SHAWN: On three. One, two... (starts)

 _Both backpedal furiously trying to win._

GUS: Let go of my chair, Shawn. The wheels, they're stuck together! Get off, Shawn!

LASSITER, who had been watching, knocks over SHAWN'S chair, causing them both to fall over.

LASSITER: Listen, you two...

SHAWN: Hey, look, it's the ever beautiful Lassie, did you see who won?

GUS: I beat him, didn't I?

SHAWN: No, no, no. Two out of three.

 _SHAWN and GUS both get to their feet._

GUS: Ha! That means I beat him, right?

LASSITER: Unlike everyone else around here, I'm not fooled by the fact that you... wear grown-up clothes, have mastered the rudimentary levels of communication and, somehow, manage to feed yourselves. I see you for what you are: children. So do me a favor and let the grown-ups do their work.

SHAWN: (points to elbow) I think I got a boo-boo, kiss it and make better?

 _LASSITER sighs and turns away. GUS elbows SHAWN and they follow the detective._

* * *

 _Shawn figures out that Lassie went out last night._

Lassie: As it happens, I dined at a very exclusive restaurant last night.

Shawn: The type of restaurant one would take a date to? Is old Lassie back in the game? Lassie, I'm jealous.

Lassie: It is none of your business with whom I spend my personal time.

* * *

 **S02E05- And Down the Stretch Comes Murder**

Shawn: Juan Carlos was poisoned.

Lassie: He's right.

Shawn: Chief, while he is indeed incredibly handsome, I am so sick of Lassiter treating us like second-class citizens. What?

Lassie: You're right. Espinoza had a cocktail of drugs in his system. Opiates, barbiturates, cocaine, three different kinds of weight-loss drugs, Cialis and horse tranquilizers.

Gus: Horse tranquilizers?

Lassie: Apparently, the guy took everything in sight. He was 4'9" and 3 feet of that were drugs.

Chief: And obviously, his heart couldn't handle it. A very thorough job, detectives.

Shawn: I'm getting something else. Juan Carlos was having an affair. With a married woman.

Jules: Shawn, how do you know this?

Shawn: Same way I know that as a child, Lassie wanted nothing more than a pony.

Lassie: Well, come on, who didn't?

Gus: Anyone who wasn't an eight-year-old girl.

Shawn: I see a tall, blonde woman.

Gus: Brigitte Nielson?

Shawn: No! She has 23 diamonds in her wedding ring. And she bandies about the track, this way and that. Shouldn't we at least find this woman and talk to her?

Chief: Do you know anything about this, detectives? Lassie and Jules are silent Oh, well, maybe you should find out before we put this case to bed.

Shawn: Lassie, your childhood must've been pure hell. The good news, I'm available for hugs, and maybe the occasional kiss, what do you say?

L _assie seems to consider then shakes his head and walks away._

Shawn: Jules. How about it? Buddy. It's been a while.

Gus: _Scoffs._ Please, and stop flirting with Lassie. _He rushes off._

Shawn: _Shouts after Gus._ I can tell he wants me.

* * *

Jules: Okay, Lassiter says you can have five minutes with Jimmy.

Shawn: Sweet. Pauses, then says suggestively. Hey, think you could get me five minutes with Lassiter?

Jules: Rolls her eyes. No, leave him alone, he's still trying to figure out if he should be offended or flattered. And good job, by the way. We never would've reopened the case and arrested him if it wasn't for you.

Gus: You didn't tell Jimmy that, did you?

Jules: No.

 _Shawn and Gus breathe a sigh of relief._

Shawn: Oh, Jules, Lassie should be flattered. He's a very attractive man with beautiful features.

* * *

 **S02E07- If You're So Smart, Then Why Are You Also Dead**

 _Shawn and Gus pop out from behind the desk._

Shawn: Welcome to the Meitner school for gifted children. How may we… It's a miracle.

Gus: Thank God, you're all right.

Shawn: We heard a cop named Lassie died. Jules, tell me you got the flowers.

Lassie: Lassie three was a retired police dog.

Gus: From the obit, it's amazing what you two had in common. Strong, dedicated, loyal.

Shawn: Bouts with ringworm. Expressive eyes. Grace and beauty. And you both do your job with pride.

Jules: Seriously, are you guys working my case?

Shawn: Case? What case? No, no, no, no. They've been after me for a while to teach a class.

Lassie: What do we say?

Jules: Oh! Right. Stay out of our way and don't get involved, Spencer. Also, I still don't know if I find your flirting flattering or a joke and therefore offensive.

Lassie: You're not supposed to tell him that! _Storms off._

* * *

 _JULIET and LASSITER enter the room. SHOCKLEY and GODDARD are sitting at the table, their backs to the mirror. JULIET walks around to face the students while LASSITER stays at the end of the table by the door._

JULIET: Obviously, due to recent events, we are taking a closer look at everything surrounding the school, including the statement you gave to us.

SHOCKLEY: You mean when we predicted someone was going to die today and they did?

JULIET: Well, that, and...

LASSITER: Watch your mouth, kid. Okay, you're not fooling anybody. We know what's going on here.

JULIET: What he means is please tell us again about the phone call you overheard.

LASSITER: No. (leans aggressively on the table) Tell us about your relationship with Hahn! You little son of a...

JULIET: Lassiter, stop! They're teenagers. (to students) We're sorry.

LASSITER: (whispers to JULIET) Lesson 63. Do not apologize to the perp.

JULIET: (whispers to LASSITER) They're not perps.

LASSITER: (to JULIET) You don't know that!

GODDARD: You two aren't really acquainted with game theory or prisoner's dilemma, are you?

LASSITER and JULIET turn their heads towards the boys.

LASSITER: Huh?

SHOCKLEY: He means you two don't really get the good cop bad cop dyad.

GODDARD: Are you guys, like, together?

SHOCKLEY: No, she's way out of his league.

GODDARD: But no ring. Given his age, I'm guessing divorced?

LASSITER: I... Wha... Sorry. What?

SHOCKLEY: Still can't talk about it. So it's relatively recent then? I'm getting separated. Not divorced.

GODDARD: Did you ever just listen to her problems, rather than always trying to solve them?

SHOCKLEY: No, you had to be the big tough cop, didn't you? You never let her inside.

GODDARD: But, he's also not interested in her, his partner that is,

SHOCKLEY: You're right. There's someone else. But you don't know it yet, you're in denial.

GODDARD: No, not denial. Just hasn't realized anything yet. I say open your mind, and heart, you may be surprised.

 _BUZZ enters the room with a cup of coffee. LASSITER presses him against the wall with one arm and grips him by the collar._

LASSITER: See this, Brainiac? This is what's waiting for you when you turn 18. You're gonna graduate, and get your diploma, and then, bam! We're taking a trip down to the docks.

GODDARD: That doesn't look very intimidating with, uh, you know, the one arm.

 _LASSITER releases BUZZ, inhales deeply, takes the coffee and leaves._

* * *

 **S02E09- Bounty Hunters!**

 _Jules hands Lassie his phone after calling Shawn._

Lassie: Uh, hi, Shawn… Um, it's, uh, Carlton Lassiter… I'm uh doing okay… No, I'm not wearing my blue shirt today… Yes the grey suit… Thank you? Listen Sh- Spencer, I need you and Gus to come down to the station today.

 _Later…_

Lassie: So all I'm asking you to do is track Tancana and get back to me with any psychic leads, or whatever the hell it is you call 'em, on his whereabouts.

Shawn: Dude, it's Byrd. Remember Byrd?

Gus: How could I forget him? He looks exactly the same way as when we were kids.

Shawn: Same vest, same Shaun Cassidy hair.

Lassie: Guys, here. Over here. Listen to me. You are, in no uncertain terms, to make any physical contact with this man, do you understand? He's highly dangerous. He strangled her with his bare hands. He knocked her husband out with a vase.

Shawn: No need to get jealous Lassie. I only have eyes for you.

 _More talking, Shawn and Gus go off on their adventure._

Lassie: Not jealous… I think. I don't know. Damn kids.

 _Shawn answers his phone._

Shawn: Lassie, what's happening? It's Lassie. Yes, Yes, I do know what uncertain terms are. I'm the one that had to tell Gus.

Lassie: No, you listen to me, Spencer, all right? You get back here now or I will charge you both with harboring a fugitive. Do you understand?

Shawn: Wow, somebody didn't drink their grateful juice this morning. We're fine, okay? He's cuffed. I'm bringing him back in. You're welcome. Do me a favor, put Jules on the phone for a second. _Points._ Ooh, dude! Labradoodle.

Gus: Where?

Lassie: He wants to talk to you. _Hands phone to Jules._

Jules: Shawn, where are you guys? Let us send some black and whites.

Shawn: You want a black and white cookie? Tancana, you want a cookie?

Tancana: Can't eat wheat or yeast.

Jules: Shawn, I'm serious. Just stay where you are.

Shawn: Yeah, so that we can't collect the $50,000 bounty. I don't think so. We're close, okay? But answer me this. What do you know about a Klaus Delbecchio?

Tancana: Gord.

Shawn: Gord Delbecchio.

Jules: Shawn, don't buy into Tancana's story. We have checked out Delbecchio. He has a record. He used to partner up with Tancana, but he didn't this time, okay? Just get in here. And be careful.

Shawn: Put Lassie back on the phone.

Jules: _Hands phone to Lassie._ Here.

Lassie: Listen Spencer, I wa-

Shawn: Admit it, you're a little turned on by the whole bounty hunter thing, aren't you? Come on. Shawn Spencer, bounty hunter? I mean, I know the psychic thing is sexy. I mean, that's a given. It's a sexy thing. Shawn Spencer, bounty hunter? It's hot. It's hot! Hello? Lassie? Lassie? Is it because I'm not wearing a vest? Is it the vest? Hello?

Gus: I think he hung up, Shawn.

* * *

 _After everyone has gone home. Shawn goes see Jules._

Jules: Looks up. Shawn. Look, I really screwed up today. And I just wanna say thank you for being there for me. It really meant a lot.

Shawn: It was a mistake. That's what friends are for.

Jules: Yeah. Well, it's been a long day.

Shawn: Well, I guess you have to get home and feed your parrot.

Jules: Shawn, I don't have a parrot.

Shawn: Oh, well, in that case, I have something to tell you.

Jules: Shawn, I'm flattered but-

Shawn: I think I like Lassie.

Jules: What?

Shawn: Actually, yes, I like Lassie. I have since I met him I guess. But he'll never go for me. He's Lassie.

Jules: Actually, I think you'd be surprised. Just wait for him.

Shawn: That's what I'm doing.

Jules: Well, then, I think you know what you're doing. _Picks up her things._ I'm going home. Walk me to my car?

Shawn: Sure, and Jules. _She pauses._ Thanks for listening.

* * *

 **S02E10- Gus's Dad May Have Killed An Old Guy**

Shawn: Lassie! _Shawn hands Lassie a Psych snow globe._

Lassie: _Visibly shaken._ I-I hate snow globes.

Shawn: Now, that's strange. My psychic senses told me specifically that snow globes didn't give you nightmares about being trapped in a clear ball with snow that burns your skin off. Sorry, sometimes my visions get muddled. If you need someone to hold you at night, nightmare or not, I'm always available. Well, Merry Christmas from me and Gus.

* * *

 **S02E13- Light, Camera… Homicidio**

 _Shawn and Gus arrive at the scene of the crime._

Lassie: Spencer, thank god you're here. Now go home. We don't need you. I, uh, I jumped the gun. This thing's pretty much open and shut.

Shawn: Oh, Lassie, if you want to spend more time with me, you don't have to trump up some case. You just pick up the phone, give me a call, say "Shawn, I'm here, I've got pudding pops."

Lassie: _Looks the other way._ Yeah, no.

* * *

 _Lassie and Jules walk down the hall to Lassie's desk._

Lassie: "I'm sensing a hair in the evidence baggie." Man, it just irks me! I mean I know he's a "psychic" but still. And when he turns nothing into something, god! It drives me up the wall! And the touching me sometimes when he's telling us how and why and who, why! He's hot but I don't need him touching me! Shit…

Jules: _Eyes slightly wide, but carefully steers them back to the case._ I still think we should bring in some of other cast members for questioning.

* * *

 **S02E14- Dis-Lodged**

Shawn: Lassie? What are you doing here?

Lassie: I think you know why I'm here.

Shawn: I'm hoping you're here to help. Gus and I were about to do some scrap booking. We'll need someone who can work the scalloped scissors.

Lassie: Spencer, I get why you have to act like an ass at my station, but do you have to act like this in your own office?

Shawn: It enhances my perception. How else would I know that you came here because you think Arthur Holmstrom was murdered?

Lassie: No one's talking down at the lodge. I was just driving by the office and saw the lights on.

Shawn: You want to hire us? Come on, Lassie, it's not that tough. Let it go.

Gus: Yes, come on.

Shawn: Look around, you're in a safe place. Surrounded by men who love you, and one who finds you hot on a daily basis. Gus.

Gus: Lassiter, I love you.

Shawn: And I find you hot.

Lassie: Look you have a connection in there. So I need you to feel around and see what you can find out.

Gus: The department's hiring us?

Lassie: Not the department, me. And I can't pay you.

Gus: Well, that sounds worthwhile.

Lassie: I guess this would technically be called a favor. Maybe I could pay your expenses.

Shawn: Done! 15 grand a day, and when we're finished, we all go for a picnic, or just you and me on the beach at sunset.

* * *

 _Shawn's phone rings._

Shawn: You're calling me a day after our first date? You really are out of practice.

Lassie: Shut up Spencer.

Shawn: Aw, don't sound so defensive. Are you wearing that blue shirt?

Lassie: What? Yes.

Shawn: Good, it makes your eyes pop.

* * *

 _At the police station._

Shawn: Lassie.

Lassie: Anything?

Shawn: Well, I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is we found a pretty solid suspect on the Holmstrom murder.

Lassie: Finally. Well, who is it? Let's go get him.

Shawn: That's the bad news.

Irving: That is ridiculous! Who's in charge here, huh? I'll tell you this, I better be home for dinner! Heads are gonna roll, that's all I got to say! Heads are gonna roll!

Lassie: Oh, no. _Grabs the wall to lean on._ Do not go down that road.

Shawn: _Goes over to comfort him, puts a hand on his shoulder and slides it down to rub his back._ Look, I'm not happy about this either, Lassie. Now that I've joined the Lodge, that makes your father-in-law my brother. Which makes me your uncle in-law. It's gonna get especially awkward around the holidays.

* * *

 _After nailing the killer, Shawn puts in a good word for Lassie._

Shawn: And none of this, your highmost, would have been discovered without the intrepid Police work of one detective Carlton Lassiter, Santa Barbara Police Departments' own highmost Patriarch. _Slaps Lassie's ass, pauses and whispers to Lassie._ Now, that's nice.

Irving: Nice collar, detective.

Lassie: _Trying to recover from the ass slap._ It's all in a day's work, Irving.

Irving: You may not be my son-in-law much longer, but I'm thinking you might be a monarch yet.

 _Afterhours, when everyone has gone home. Lassie is at his desk talking to himself._

Lassie: He slapped my ass. And said it was nice… Smiles, then shakes his head. Spencer, what have you done to me?

* * *

 **S02E15- Black and Tan: A Crime of Fashion**

 _Everyone goes into the Chief's office. Jules is in a snazzy new outfit. Lassie has a new tie._

Chief: What happened to you?

Jules: I am a woman, chief. And I am choosing to dress like one.

Lassie: You can't do that, O'Hara.

Jules: I paid for it myself. I was feeling good about myself, it was my lunch break and Carlton, is that a new tie?

Lassie: Don't be ridiculous.

Shawn: Yes it is Lassie, and with your blue shirt it pops and your eyes are as beautiful as ever.

 _Lassie looks down and smiles a little._

* * *

Shawn: In summation, Ciaobella killed Gregor. Gregor killed Ciaobella. Emily got caught in the green powdery crossfire. But not before she designed the new fall line. It's revolutionary, by the way. We all deserve to feel beautiful.

Lassie: _Holds up his hand cuffs._ What am I supposed to do with these?

Shawn: Nothing. Put 'em away, or on me. _Winks at Lassie._ I guess what I'm saying is you're all free to go. That was crazy, right?

Lassie: _Trying to hold it together._ You could have told me that over the phone. Hell, you could've put it in an email. Come on. _Nudges Jules who walks off. He turns but pauses. Looks back at Shawn._ You looked good up there Spencer. _Walks off with a slight swing to his hips._

Shawn: _Shouts after him._ OWN IT LASSIE! _Continues watching Lassie and his ass until they are gone. Fist pump and shouts._ Yes! He totally wants me!

* * *

 _Alone in his car…_

Lassie: _Runs his fingers through his hair and plays with his tie._ Shawn really did look good on that stage, and I definitely know now, that I'm attracted to him.

* * *

 **S02E16- Shawn (and Gus) of the Dead**

 _Shawn walks in with Lassie and Jules. He greets the assistant curator._

Shawn: Shawn Spencer.

Sophie: I know. Sophie Morris Bridgewell.

Shawn: I know.

Sophie: Everyone certainly loves you down here.

Shawn: And I love you metaphorically. _Points at Lassie_. He has a nice ass and beautiful blue eyes like sapphires that I love not metaphorically. _Lassie shuffles uncomfortably and tries to school his face into anything but happy, flattered, embarrassed._

* * *

Lassie: The Mummy walked out? Come on, you're just trying to impress - that pretty little assistant curator.

Shawn: Was she pretty? I hadn't noticed. I was distracted by you.

Lassie: Really? Brown eyes, languid smile, long slender neck of a Balanchine dancer. _Shawn frowns and looks away._ Never mind, I was mistaken. _Shawn quirks a small smile._

Jules: I had three different hairstyles last week and you didn't comment on one.

* * *

 _At the police station._

Shawn: I am telling you Carlytown, you've gotta come with us on this.

Lassie: And I am telling you, I am about to solve the biggest case of my career. So which do you think I'd rather do?

Shawn: Me. _Lassie glares._

Lassie: The old man didn't die from a fall down the stairs. Initial findings indicate he had blunt force trauma to his head before he fell. So unless you've got a psychic answer for that, you guys can run along. Ah, crud. Now Wyles isn't answering his phone.

Jules: I have the final coroner's report on the exhumed body. It's definitely a head trauma. Oh, and it turns out that the unidentified matter found in his skull was a chip of ivory.

Lassie: Great.

Shawn: But I have the best reveal ever.

Lassie: Spencer, we'll get to your little mummy thing later. Quite honestly, I only took the case because Wyles IV is on the board of trustees. I thought I could do a little snooping, but all I got was dead ends.

Shawn: I can solve both cases, and then give you a nice massage while you bask in your own glory.

Jules: You can what?

Shawn: Lassy, call Wyles on his cell phone. He'll pick that up because he's not at home. Dude, we got it.

Gus: Oh, we are done. _Shawn and Gus jump around._

Shawn: Then meet us at the museum.

Gus: Why can't they just meet us at a well-lit Starbucks?

Shawn: One more time, buddy. For justice! _Runs off and yells over shoulder._ You look hot Lassie!

* * *

 _After hours, Jules and Lassie are cleaning up Lassie's desk from the case._

Jules: So, that was a quite a wrap up.

Lassie: Yeah, do you think we should have left Spencer like that?

Jules: Aren't you the one usually instantly annoyed by Shawn's antics?

Lassie: Yeah, but, I don't know. I've been having different feelings about Sha- Spencer, lately and well.

Jules: Oh my god. You like him.

Lassie: I do not.

Jules: You totally like him. Admit it Carlton, you like Shawn Spencer.

Lassie: Ok fine. Recently, I've been feeling, uh, attracted to Spencer and I… might want to do something about it. Clearly he's interested if the model case didn't tell me anything.

Jules: Then go for it when you feel ready. I'm not stopping you. I know he flirts with me, he flirts with most people, but he means it when it's you. So go for it.

Lassie: Thanks O'Hara. Come on, I'm hungry and there's bound to be something open this late, you hungry?

Jules: I could eat something.

 _Two leave the station together. Lassie has a spring in his step._


	3. Season 3

**S03E01- Ghosts**

Lassie: I - I'm hiding under the towel. And then I realize the towel's my life. And- and the pool is third grade and the high dive is my father. I poured out to you secrets even I didn't know I had.

That was amazing. I mean, it's so liberating to- To trust someone with your darkest innermost secrets. Where have you been? Why haven't you been here before?

Madeleine: Oh, I used to be here quite a bit. I just recently came back. I know someone here who works for the department occasionally. Actually, he's my son.

Lassie: Really? Oh, you know, I know pretty much everybody who comes through the department. What's his name?

Madeleine: Shawn Spencer.

Lassie: Shawn, Shawn Sp-Spencer?

Madeleine: Yeah, you know him.

Lassie: He works on a case that I'm on every so often. He's very handsome.

Madeleine: Tell me about him. I only know him from a mother's eyes. But what about you? It seems he's caught your eye.

Lassie: Well… You're not wrong.

* * *

Madeleine: What happened? Don't mince words.

Shawn: With dad? Mom, we were both there. You know. We don't need to revisit the past.

Madeleine: Maybe we do.

Shawn: Well, I'm not sure I wanna forgive him for what happened.

Madeleine: The divorce?

Shawn: It wasn't what happened, mom. It was the way that it happened. I mean, let's call it what it was. He left us. He left you. He ended up with the house and he left you by yourself to pick up the pieces! That's not exactly what I call hero material, you know?

Madeleine: Shawn I left him.

Shawn: Come on, mom, you don't- You don't have to spin this for me, okay?

Madeleine: Let me be clear. Your father was wonderful to me. He wanted to keep going to counseling. He kept saying we could make it, but the writing was on the wall a long time.

Shawn: You're losing me here, mom. What are you-

Madeleine: When I got that job out of town it was an incredible opportunity. I was afraid I would never have a chance again, so I took it. You were into your senior year. Your- your path was set. It seemed the right time, if such a thing is possible. I thought, of all people, that you would be okay. And I am so sorry.

Shawn: Mom, you don't ever- You don't ever have to be sorry about anything.

Madeleine: Don't you spin this. Sometimes I get the worst realizations. I know I know that I failed you. But I think that day, my life began again. And that sounds terrible, but don't you ever think I wanted to leave you. Now, let's talk about that detective of yours.

Shawn: He's not mine… Not yet…

* * *

 **S03E02- Murder?... Anyone?... Anyone?... Bueller?**

Shawn: Someone was murdered here. I am absolutely 100% certain that I sensed a body drop here. Right here. I don't know who. But I can see he was wearing a letterman's jacket of some sort.

Gus: Are you doing this to me on purpose? Are you fabricating some kind of foul play - just to mess up the night for me?

Shawn: Yes, I am. I killed someone here at our high school reunion just to foil your of best pep rally moments.

Gus: Do you even know what a pep captain is?

Shawn: Yeah, he's a male cheerleader I believe.

Gus: It's a leader among men. A leader among men.

Shawn: Who cheers. I saw bring it on.

Abigail: Oh, wait, I get it. You guys are dating. You're together. Everything makes sense.

Gus: We are not dating.

Shawn: Are you kidding me? He was voted most likely to succeed. Think he's gonna date me?

Gus: Besides, he's interested in a detective. A tall slim detective with a gun.

Shawn: He's very proud of that gun and you left out his fine ass and strong chest.

Gus: Really Shawn?

Shawn: What? His ass is fine and his chest is strong and he loves his gun.

* * *

Gus: Lassiter, what are you doing at our reunion?

Lassie: First off, of course it had to be yours, 'cause that's my luck. And secondly, I'm on a date.

Shawn: Well, we're on a case, and you're on it with us.

Lassie: Not tonight I'm not.

Gus: On a date? With a person?

Lassie: Yes, with a person. Blonde, yellow dress.

Shawn: Mindy Howland?

Lassie: Mm-hmm.

Gus: Isn't that the girl who stuffed Bobby Cobetts in his own car trunk when he wouldn't kiss her at the spring fling?

Lassie: We met at the Santa Barbara Bowl at the Ravi Shankar concert last week, and she asked me out on a date.

Gus: Who goes to someone else's reunion when they barely even know them?

Shawn: Who goes to a Ravi Shankar concert?

Lassie: Look, I didn't realize it was a reunion until I showed up. But we have a very deep connection.

Shawn: Same connection you have with the sitar, or the connection you have with me, maybe?

Mindy: Where's my punch, Corey?

Shawn: Yeah, where's her punch, Corey?

Gus: Hello, Mindy. You look nice.

Mindy: Give it up, button-up. I already have a date to this thing.

Shawn: Mindy, it's official. You've won bitchiest banana. And now I am going to borrow Detective Lassiter for as long as I'd like which includes into tomorrow morning.

Mindy: Detec- Wait, he's a cop?

 _Shawn pulls Lassie over to the side._

Lassie: Really, Spencer? Are you that jealous? Smirks. You are. Look who's the jealous one now.

Shawn: Lassie, you look great, now shut up. Look I have to be discrete, Gus has a very weak constitution for these sort of things.

* * *

Shawn: Did you guys see someone tampering with this case?

Guy 1: No, but I wish I'd thought of that. I would love to see that Tolkin guy go down. He terrorized me in high school. They build a shrine for him 'cause he can throw a football? Who cares? Exactly.

Guy who I swear is Raj: Hey, why don't they build a shrine to my butt?

Jules: There you are! I've been looking all over for you.

Guy 1: Dude, you totally lied to us. You have a girl, and she is hot.

Shawn: She's not my girl. I've got my eye on man. Excuse us, dudes. Okay, what are you wearing?

Jules: What? You said you were on a case and there were possible criminal suspects down here that might get spooked by cops sniffing around.

Shawn: Yeah, but what are you wearing? This is a reunion, not the prom. I need you to fit in.

Jules: What, this? This isn't a prom dress.

Shawn: It looks like a prom dress. It's a little poofy.

Jules: It doesn't poof. There's no poof.

Shawn: A slight poof.

Jules: Look, it's what I was gonna wear to my high school reunion that I couldn't go to because I was on a case. Just show me where these suspects are that I need to vet.

Shawn: I don't know if you need to "vet" anything. The animals are fine. But let's poof on over, and I'll point 'em out to you. And then we can walk by Lassie a few times so I can check him out and leer at Mindy the bitchy banana.

* * *

Shawn: Have you ever wondered why you haven't been married yet?

Abigail: I don't have to wonder. I know why.

Shawn: Well, why?

Abigail: I will get married someday. I just haven't met him yet.

Shawn: You don't think.

Abigail: What about you?

Shawn: What about me, Abigail? Lots of strapping, brilliant-type guys never got married.

Ludwig van Beethoven. Sir Isaac newton, right? Doing his thing.

Jon lovitz.

Jon lovitz's brother.

Abigail: Jon lovitz has a brother?

Shawn: Does it really matter?

 _Both leaning in, looks like they are going to kiss. Shawn pulls back._

Shawn: I'm sorry Abigail, but I can't… I… There's someone else.

Abigail: Your detective.

Shawn: He's not mine, not yet.

 _Shawn sees something._

Shawn: I just figured it out.

* * *

Chief: And are you two on a case?

Shawn: Chief.

Chief: Because I don't remember assigning you one. What are you looking at?

Lassie: She was helping me. I just made a bust.

Chief: And who is that?

Lassie: That is a real schizoid. Elizabeth Reba Davis, a.k.a. Mindy Howland. Woman's been filling false prescriptions under fake names since '96.

Chief: I see. Well, good work, people. Oh, and by the way, whatever it is you're really working on, you're not being paid for this.

Jules: Thank you for that, lassiter.

Lassie: Yeah, sweet. Look, if you don't mind, I'm gonna get back to this. I don't want to miss the mug shots. I'm having fun. It's the best date I've been on in a long time.

He leaves.

Shawn: _Shouts._ I could give you a better time! You- you know you want to!

Lassie: _Turns around, but keeps going._ You in handcuffs and a mug shot, that's a fantasy. _Turns back around and struts down the hall._

* * *

Abigail: I must say that was quite impressive. If you're that good of a detective, I can only imagine what sort of midwife you made.

Shawn: Okay, this is 13 years overdue, but here goes. I know that you think that I didn't show up the night I was supposed to meet you at the carnival, but the truth is I did. You were standing at the end of the pier. You were wearing a blue, thin-striped baby doll dress.

Doc marten sandals, black. You had a row of red butterfly clips in your hair, short jean jacket and the right pocket was ripped because you always used to shove your fist in there when you got nervous. You were pacing back and forth that night. You waited around almost an hour before you walked away. These are our tickets to the carnival. I saved them. I was so nervous, I choked. And you know what? That hardly ever happens to me. But the truth is, Abigail, I think I liked you too much. And somewhere in the back of my head, I knew what that night would mean and even how my life could be different now if I hadn't let you walk away. But this is a different moment, and it's a chance to make a different choice. And you're really amazing, and I know we can't go back in time, but I do wish that there was some way that I-

 _She kisses him. He kisses back._

Shawn: So I'll just keep thinking, and if there's anything that comes to mind, I'll let you know- That was really nice.

Abigail: Pretty much perfect.

Shawn: Yeah. _Sees Lassie looking around as he struts off towards the doors._ Pretty much perfect… So where do we go from here?

Abigail: I don't know.

Shawn: Maybe this is what closure feels like?

Abigail: Maybe. I guess I'll see you at the 20-year reunion.

Shawn: Yeah, though knowing Gus it'll probably be our 23rd.

Abigail: Good luck with your detective, bye Shawn.

Gus: Dear Leland Bosseigh High Administrative Board, We accept that you are withholding our deposit of $1,500 for damages. We also accept that you just see us as you want to see us: in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions, a snarky psychic, an uptight pharmaceuticals salesman, a pretty female blonde detective, and a not so pretty, _Shawn cuts in_ **he's hot** , unusually lanky, _Shawn cuts in again_ **he's beautiful** , detective. But each of us is all of those things. Plus our normal fee for solving a murder in one meaningful evening is twice that. So enclosed is a bill for $3,000. Please remit payment in the form of a check made out simply to Psych.

* * *

 **S03E03- Daredevils!**

Jules: You need me, chief?

Chief: Why is someone lodging a complaint against my head detective? That's the third one this month.

Jules: He's just going through a rough patch right now. He'll be fine. I think he's having some serious dating problems.

Chief: You know, when I used to work vice my partner was an alcoholic. And one night I went over to his house handcuffed him to a radiator and made him dry out. And when he finally sobered up I gave him a choice. "Go into department rehab program or chew your hand off for freedom." He chose the program.

Jules: Is that a real story?

Chief: Maybe it is, maybe I saw it on an old Police Woman rerun. The point is, O'Hara Sometimes it's up to the cop's partner to keep their head above water, huh? To do what's necessary to make sure that they stay on course. Get me?

Jules: Yes, chief.

Buzz: Hmm, this is for you. What's wrong?

Jules: Chief just gave me some really weird advice. Well, what does she want? Well, I can't be sure, but I think she wants me to find Lassiter a girlfriend. Actually, I guess in his case, set him up with Shawn.

Buzz: Good luck with that. Wait, did you say Shawn, as in Shawn Spencer?

Jules: Yes, they like each other, and they are figuring out that the other likes them back. What am I supposed to do, nudge them together? Lock them in a closet together and hope Carlton doesn't kill him first?

Buzz: Point taken. Good luck though.

* * *

Gus: What are you doing?

Shawn: I'll give you an a-plus for the skulking, but a c-minus for the leering.

Jules: I have to find Lassiter a date for the weekend. I've narrowed it down to three prospective candidates.

Shawn: Jules, why would you possibly want to jump into that snake pit? Also, why not me?

Jules: Vick ordered me to, and Carlton is still working things out in his head. He's flirting back with you but he's still coming to terms. Be patient.

Shawn: All right. Would you like me to give your candidates the psychic once over?

Jules: If you have to.

Shawn: I'm sensing it'll be easier to get a stranger to go out with him than someone he works with.

Gus: Or knows him.

Shawn: Or has ever had a conversation with him.

Gus: Or he hasn't shot.

Shawn: One more question. Are we locked into the same species?

Jules: Enough already.

* * *

Lassie: There's something I love about these low-rent stakeouts. All you gotta do is snap some pictures of a guy with some stolen merchandise.

Jules: Why didn't you wear the burgundy turtleneck?

Lassie: Because it didn't occur to me to change for a stakeout. Why?

Jules: No reason. I just I really like you in that burgundy turtleneck. And with short hair. And you know what else? A little cologne wouldn't kill you.

Lassie: All right, you think I don't know what's going on here. Look, I've noticed you're kind of checking me out at the squad and asking about my dating habits.

Jules: It's not a big deal. It's just

Lassie: Listen, it is perfectly normal for a junior officer to develop feelings for her superior.

Someone she feels is a mentor and-

Jules: Oh, no! No, no! Oh, my god, no.

Lassie: O'Hara, it's okay.

Jules: No, no, Vick ordered me to find you a girlfriend.

Lassie: What?

Jules: Yeah. You know, we've noticed that you've been on edge lately and thought it might help. And I have this friend you can meet later who likes cops.

Lassie: I don't believe this. That's a total invasion of my privacy. Not to mention unprofessional. So what? I sleep alone. So what if I saw a frozen dinner in half before I microwave it every night? So what if I seriously considered planting evidence on my wife's new boyfriend? I mean, that's I could just- Oh, god I may need your help.

Jules: That's all I want to do. Oh, damn, I'm not getting a signal. All right, I'm gonna go find a hot spot. And then when I get back I'll tell you all about my friend.

 _Jules walks off. Lassie is alone in the car._

Lassie: But I like Shawn… I think.

* * *

 **S03E04- The Greatest Adventure in the History of Basic Cable**

Chief: You, gentlemen, have a lot of explaining to do.

Lassie: You can bet your ass I'm getting to the bottom of this.

Shawn: I will gladly give you my ass Lassie. What I want though, is your ass. Don't I get a phone call or something?

Lassie: No. Fine. How about a text message? I'll be quick.

I just need to respond, "OMG, LOL." Here's a question. How do you make the face that's winking with the tongue coming out one side?

Chief: Mr. Spencer, now, by my estimation, you may be in some serious trouble here. So I am only going to ask you this once. Where's the gold?

Henry: It's not quite as simple as that.

Shawn: Right, if we were to really answer that question, we'd have to go back quite a while.

Chief: How long?

Shawn: About 20 years.

* * *

 _Shawn is looking straight at Lassie and Jules, smiling._

Jules: Why do I feel like he can see us?

Lassie: No, it's impossible. He can't see or hear a thing.

 _Lassie puts his face closer to the window, Shawn mimics him. Lassie puts his finger out and moves it, Shawn follows with his eyes. Then he kisses the glass closest to Lassie's cheek._

Lassie: That's just weird. Glances at the guy watching a screen. So, what, we're just gonna let this guy listens in on everything?

Chief: It's out of our hands, detective. Now just get in there and get to the bottom of this.

Lassie: You got it.

Shawn: When are we gonna find out the deal with suit guy in there, by the way Lassie, you pull off the suit way better than him?

Lassie: Let's just get back to the story.

Shawn: I can't believe your uncle Jack actually had a treasure map.

Lassie: I can't believe you actually pretended your uncle was your dad.

Shawn: I wanted Gus' dad to do it, but there was a genealogy issue I just couldn't resolve.

Jules: What else can you tell us about the Bouchard guy?

Gus: We could only remember bits and pieces of the Bouchard myth, but Jack filled us in on the rest.

* * *

Lassie: All right, Spencer, tell the chief what you just told us.

Shawn: Okay, chief, here it goes. We're so hungry. I can't get the burrito place on Cota street out of my mind. They're open late. Gus, children's burrito, no sauce. Dad, I know you're a fan of the carne asada.

Chief: All right, Mr. Spencer, let me be frank.

Shawn: As long as I can be Dean and Gus can be Sammy.

Gus: Why do I have to be Sammy?

Shawn: Fine. He's Sammy. That makes you Joey Bishop. Is that what you really want? You want to be Joey Bishop?

Lassie: Spencer.

Shawn: I'm sorry, Lassie. How often does someone set you up with "let me be Frank"?

Lassie: Shawn! Don't forget that you are in a lot of trouble here. And I am probably the only person in this room who cares to see you get out of it. Now, it's 2:30 in the morning. We've been here for hours. Enough with the jokes, stop delaying, and tell us what we want to hear!

Shawn: Oh my god. That was so hot. Lassie, you're hot.

Lassie: Spencer, tell the chief what you told us about the guys who chased you away from the lighthouse with the guns.

Gus: Not just chasing us, they found us hiding in a cabin.

Lassie: Who were they?

Henry: Jack's partners 'cause the one thing that you could count on with my brother Jackie, he always had partners.

* * *

Candelaria: The only reason I brought these men here in the first place was because Spencer would not talk with us unless he was in the station, and talk to the, I quote, "Hot and sexy Lassie-face."

Chief: Okay, look, I said we would cooperate with you, but they are employees of the SBPD, and they're not going anywhere without my detectives.

Candelaria: Chief, we have been through this, no? This is from your treasury department, giving me full power to call the shots. Now, I thank you for your help, but it will no longer be needed. Vamos.

Lassie: Shawn wait. _Shawn pauses, Lassie has his head bowed and shuffles his feet._ You think I'm sexy?

Shawn: Well, duh. _Darts off._

* * *

 **S03E05- Disco Didn't Die. It Was Murdered!**

 _After the bomb has been disarmed._

Lassie: Spencer, I'd appreciate it in the future if you just played with your own life. And if you must play with something, play with my ass. Wait.

Shawn: Come on, lassie, do you really mean that?

Lassie: No! At least I don't think so.

Shawn: Let me know when you mean it. _Pats Lassie on the chest._ That's firm.

* * *

 **S03E06- There Might Be Blood**

Gus: I can't get over it. After all this time, the chief never said she had a sister. It's strange.

Lassie: And such an alluring sister at that.

Shawn: Creepy.

Jules: You should hear this. I got the commander's bio of the coast guard web site.

Shawn: "Commander B-"

Jules: "Commander Barbara Dunlap.

"Graduated U.S. Coast Guard Academy with honors "conducted multiple search and rescue operations "Kodiak, Alaska" "assumed command Santa Barbara station 2002. "To date, interdicted over $5 million of illegal narcotics "and has saved 57 lives." Very impressive.

Lassie: Impressive and intoxicating. I mean, all that power in one woman? There's no photo.

Shawn: Creepier.

Lassie: You're just jealous.

* * *

Shawn: Whoa, whoa, sisters, please. Nobody's getting horned here. Two men are dead. This is not the time for petty sibling squabbles. That's what Thanksgiving is for. We need to come together and work as a group to get to the truth. And the truth is, Lassie is hot and I wish he would wear a blue shirt and dark tie more often, not that he doesn't look great today because he does, and Rnaud is our anonymous tipster, not Hicks.

* * *

 **S03E07- Talk Derby To Me**

Lassie: Spencer, what the hell are you doing up there, not that you don't look great?

Shawn: Thank you for noticing, right now I'm putting my hand in my pocket, sans thumb, pointing at an imaginary seagull. But earlier I got a call from the chief. She sounded serious. Third break-in of its kind in as many months. No leads.

Lassie: Chief told you that?

Shawn: No, she did. She looks like the Venus de Milo, but she prefers to be called Traci with an "i." She saw everything. Said I should check the videos in the surveillance room.

Lassie: The mannequin told you that?

Shawn: No, Chief did. Come on, Lassie, keep up with me here, I know you can. Navy suit and tie are working for you today by the way. The color makes your eyes a nice stormy blue, I like it.

* * *

Security Guard: We've never had more than two people in this room.

Shawn: It's cozy, which means I'll need everyone's hands where I can see them. Lassie, don't be trying to cop a feel.

Lassie: Thought never occurred to me, but now that you mention it. S _laps Shawn's ass, Shawn jumps and squeals a little._ That was extremely satisfying.

Chief: Boys!

Security Guard: Who's this?

Chief: That's our psychic, Shawn Spencer.

Shawn: Psychic, and treasurer of the American Wicker Council. I'm up for re-election. I'm running on a rattan platform.

Stuart: Stuart.

Shawn: This is my favorite booster, Detective Carlton Lassiter. _Slaps Lassie's ass, Lassie jumps and smiles a little looking to the side._

Lassie: Would you just play the tape? _Tape plays._ That's a lariat move. These guys are ex-military, no question. And get your hand off my ass Spencer. _Mumbles._ It's distracting.

* * *

Chief: 80 suspects? Really, Mr. Spencer. It wouldn't be possible perhaps to narrow it down just a bit, would it?

Shawn: Not without help. It's a tight group, Chief. It's a clique. It's a sisterhood of the Ya-Ya variety, and it's gonna take a lot more than a smile and a pack of pall malls to get 'em to talk.

Lassie: Not a problem. Tough-to-crack suspects are right in my wheel house.

Shawn: Negative, as much as I love it, we cannot go about this using a typical Lassitarian technique. We need someone on the inside.

Chief: Are you saying you want to go undercover?

Shawn: Undercover? Yes. Me? No. Unfortunately I'm not qualified for this sort of thing.

Lassie: Don't worry about it. I've been itching to do some undercover work and I've got a new moustache guy.

Shawn: I like where your head's at, because this is going to take a very specific skill set. _Massaging Lassie's shoulders._ There is only one person in this room that can pull it off. _Gets down between Jules and Lassie, looking at Lassie, Lassie preens._ I've just got one question. _Pats Lassie's back, turns to Jules._ Can you skate?

* * *

 _At the Derby rink._

Shawn: Lassie? What are you doing here?

Lassie: I uh, just thought I would see how my skating skills were after all these years. What are you doing here Spencer?

Shawn: Reminiscing about that case we did here. Feels like just yesterday we solved it.

Lassie: It was yesterday.

Shawn: Right. So, you want to skate, with me?

Lassie: _Looks down at his feet then looks up at Shawn with a small smile._ Sure.

 _Both go to the rink and start skating. A moment later…_

Announcer: This will be a couples skate. Couples only.

Lassie: You set this up, didn't you?

Shawn: So what if I did.

Lassie: Why?

Shawn: Why do you think? _Brushes his hand against Lassie's_

Lassie: Smiles. I don't know what to say.

Shawn: Nothing. Just skate. _Takes Lassie's hand lightly._

Lassie: _Smiles, but doesn't pull his hand away._

 _They skate around with music playing in the background._

* * *

 **S03E08- Gus Walks Into A Bank**

 _Sirens. Lassie's car pulls up as well as a bunch of black and whites._

Shawn: Lassie, Jules what are you doing here?

Lassie: What are you doing here?

Jules: Shawn, we have a situation. Some guy held up the bank and we think he's taken hostages.

 _Shawn tries to get to the bank by going over the hood of the car, Lassie holds him back._

Lassie: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Take it easy. _He pulls Shawn against his chest and holds him there._

Shawn: _Relaxes a little against Lassie's chest._ Gus is in there. _Lassie holds him closer._

* * *

Luntz: Little refresher. I have 26 years of experience and I'm sort of an expert in human psychology and conditioning. So I do know two, actually three, things. One, your friend here is acting out of a place of fear. A little sweat on the temple, a little vibrato in the voice. This is personal for you. Two, you two are attracted to one another. He's tucked somewhat behind you. And you are giving off body language that suggest you're protecting him. And number three, I have about 40 seconds to initiate a call into that bank before all the wheels spin off of this thing. So excuse me.

Shawn: _In Lassie's ear._ Well, he's not wrong.

Lassie: Shut up, Spencer.

Shawn: Hold me?

Lassie: _Sighs._ Sure. _Wraps an arm around Shawn's shoulders and pulls him close. Shawn lays his head on Lassie's chest. No one says anything._

* * *

Shawn: I get what's happening here.

Jules: You do?

Shawn: Yes, I do. I'm sensing a relationship here.

Jules: You are?

Shawn: Yes. You and Luntz. There's a familial thing happening. He's like an older uncle. What are you related to him?

Lassie: Not yet.

Jules: Lassiter.

Lassie: What? He's psychic. Shouldn't he know already?

Shawn: Know what? What is he getting at?

Jules: It's nothing. But I do know Cameron- Luntz. Commander Cameron Luntz.

Shawn: Cameron?

Jules: Yes. And he's not my uncle. I met him at a police district conference he asked me out we went on a few dates. I like him.

Shawn: Oh, my god. You're dating this guy?

Lassie: Ding, ding, ding. Tell him what he won O'Hara. _Walks off._

Jules: Lassiter! Look, Shawn. I was—

Shawn: Don- don't worry. It's fine. Jules, really. Dare I say, dandy? Isn't that a word from his generation?

Jules: That's not fair, you're dating Lassiter. Well, you've only had that one moment at the roller derby rink. And look I was going to talk to you about it earlier but—

Shawn: It's great. It's- it's really great. Congratulations. I'm so so happy for you. Now if you'll excuse me I have a best friend to save, and I think I might need Lassie to hold me some more.

* * *

Jules: Shawn, are you all right?

Shawn: Tell Lassie I'm fine. Jules, how serious is this thing with you and Luntz?

Jules: Really? I'm so not having this conversation with you right now.

Shawn: Is he standing next to you sniffing your hair huh? Is he listening to me?

Jules: Shawn, half the Santa Barbara Police Department can hear us.

Shawn: Okay, fine. You're right. I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. Just- just answer me this. Does he have those older guy boobies that sort of droop at the ends? Lassie doesn't have those, even though I've never seen him without a shirt, I know he doesn't have those.

Jules: Okay, I'm hanging up on you now.

Shawn: Wh-wh-whoa! Hold on, hold on. I'm putting Phil- I'm putting Phil back on for Luntz.

* * *

Luntz: I want to debrief him.

Lassie: N - no way, Luntz. This is our guy. Any debriefing is going to be done by us.

Luntz: No, this is my investigation.

Shawn: Well, guys, guys! I appreciate you arguing over me but let me just point out I'm not wearing briefs.

Chief: Commander Luntz, Mr. Spencer is in our department so we will debrief him first. But we'll share any information that we gather.

Lassie: Hands off my man.

Shawn: Your man, I like it.

* * *

Shawn: Look, Lassie I am telling you that Stubbins is not behind this. And I know at the very least that Gresling the bank manager is involved.

Lassie: It's a moot point. He's going to do what he's going to do. There are hostages in there.

Shawn: I know that. My best friend is one of them. If we can get out of here and find this guy's wife we can show that the kidnapping thing holds water.

Lassie: Look, I am breaking about 50 codes of police procedure just by talking to you about this.

Shawn: Ugh! With the codes! That is your biggest problem.

Lassie: Oh, it's my problem?

Shawn: Just once can you grab life by the little Lassiters and follow your instincts? I know you don't like my methods, you do like me though. But we are pressed for time and I am telling you I am vibing like crazy. Can we screw protocol and get the hell outta here?

Lassie: You take shotgun.

Shawn: You are so sexy right now.

* * *

Shawn: All right, Jules. Give me one good reason why you find this guy attractive.

Jules: Shawn!

Shawn: You can't give me one?

Jules: I can think of many.

Shawn: Is one of them that you're looking forward to giving him sponge baths in the near future?

Jules: I happen to find his age and his maturity appealing. He's distinguished and virile and most importantly he knows who he is. And that is attractive.

Lassie: You two know I'm in the van, right?

Shawn: Yes, I do know that. I'm just watching out for Jules and you know it you sexy beast.

Lassie: I'm not the only one who's sexy in here.

Shawn: Lassie, are you saying I'm sexy? I'm touched.

Jules: Guys, to quote Carlton, you two know I'm in the van, right?

Shawn: Here! Stop here! This is it. She's being held right in there.

Lassie: All right, Spencer, you stay put. I will not be responsible for you. O'Hara, we go on three.

You ready? One, two—

Shawn: That's code for 'I can't lose you again today' right. Also can I say it? Let me say it.

 _Lassie and Jules exit the van and go up to the house. Shawn follows._

* * *

Jules: Shawn! Get back in the car. This could be dangerous.

Shawn: I will, but I have to tell you something.

Jules: Shawn get back in the car.

Shawn: Go out with Luntz.

Jules: What?

Shawn: I want you to go out with Luntz.

Jules: Shawn, what are you trying to pull?

Shawn: I'm not trying to pull anything. I just want you to be happy. So if you think this guy can make you happy or even if you're not sure and there's just a tiny part of you that thinks that there might be a chance for that I think you owe it to yourself to go for it, like I did with Lassie.

Jules: Thank you, shawn.

Shawn: You're welcome. When are you supposed to go out next?

Jules: Uh, tonight actually.

Shawn: That's so fast. Where's he going to take you?

Jules: Mario's.

Shawn: Mario's? That place is a little stuffy. Don't you think?

Jules: I like their bread.

* * *

Shawn: Gus, quick. Help me boost Lassie up to the ceiling. Phelps is inside one of these ducts.

Lassie: What? Whatever happened to the whole psychic sewer vision thing?

Shawn: Lassie, do we really have time to answer these questions? Now, come on.

Just give me one of those sexy size 12 narrows. _Lassie reaches for the vent. Shawn has Lassie's left foot._

Gus: Give me the other. _Lassie's right goes in Gus's hands. They push Lassie into the vent._

* * *

Lassie: _Sitting in the vent._ I like it in here. I like it. I keep all my precious things in here. I'm going to go back now. _Goes back into vent._

Shawn: Lassie, come on. You can crawl around in the vents at the station, or the vents in the Psych office. Come on, get your sexy ass down here.

Lassie: No, you come up here.

Shawn: Would love to, but I can't get up there. So why don't you come down here.

Lassie: No.

Shawn: Ok, fine. I'm leaving. _Turns around and starts walking away._

Lassie: No! _Hops down from the vent._ Alright, I'm coming.

* * *

 **S03E09- Christmas Joy**

Gus: What took you so long? You know I have to get to my mom and dad's.

Shawn: Choosing the perfect holiday gift takes time, Gus. You can't cut corners. _Pulls out his portrait._ You have to customize. _Pulls out a pineapple._ Match the gift with the individual. For instance, I got Lassie that nice gun cleaner he likes so much. _Pulls out two pumpkins with Santa hats._ Look I took our Halloween decorations and put Santa hats on them. What do you think?

* * *

Shawn: I'm sorry for taking you away from whatever it is you do on Christmas, Lassie.

Lassie: Oh, it's fine, I wasn't doing anything. Where's Gus?

Shawn: We had a fight. He totally overreacted. Back in the day, his sister and I had this teenie, weenie little fling. You're going to take his side. I can't believe this.

Lassie: I'm just saying it's a little inappropriate.

Shawn: Don't worry, it was way before I knew you.

Lassie: Why would that matter?

Shawn: It might.

Lassie: It doesn't.

Shawn: It could.

Lassie: It won't. Let's carry on.

Shawn: You know I only have eyes for you.

Lassie: Yeah, so I pulled all of Carl and Ted's court records from across the state like you said.

* * *

 **S03E11- Lassie Did a Bad, Bad Thing**

Shawn: The weather has dampened my psychic powers, but I am sensing that something big is about to come through that door.

Jules: Huge! We just got a call from Lassiter. He arrested Ernesto Ramos Chavez 20 minutes ago. He is second in command of the Cinco Reyes.

Shawn: So he plays the big guitar in the mariachi band?

Gus: No, Shawn, Cinco Reyes. Five kings. They're one of the most dangerous gangs in our country.

Chief: Very good, Mr. Guster.

Jules: Lassiter busted him several years ago, but the D.A. couldn't make the charges stick, so he just dropped off the radar.

Chief: Since then we've gotten hard evidence on Chavez that links him to a whole lotta nasty stuff, enough to put him away for good. Lassiter did a great thing today.

Buzz: Hey! He's here!

 _Doors open. Lassie comes in dripping wet with Chavez. He looks cool, really cool._

Shawn: Come on, dude, this is way better than cable. And Lassie looks hot! Shouts. Lassie! You're hot! You are so sexy right now! _Lassie stops in front of the other police men._

Gus: I don't know. Ultimately, he's just another bad guy.

 _Lights flicker for a moment._

Lassie: Book him.

* * *

 _Shawn is outside the Chief's office talking to Jules._

Shawn: Combos, different story. They are both pretzels and cheese, and if you get one without cheese, that means the bag is haunted.

Lassie: _Throws open the door with a bang._ Should have taken him out when I had the chance. _Storms down the hall._

Jules: What's that about?

Shawn: Don't know. But he is so hot when he's angry.

* * *

Lassie: Chief. I didn't know you'd be coming by today.

Chief: I actually hadn't planned to, but-

Lassie: Oh, no.

Chief: Detective Lassiter, you are the prime suspect in the murder of Ernesto Ramon Chavez and as of this moment you are on suspension. Please relinquish your badge.

Gus: Here, let me help you with this. _Takes some of Lassie's groceries. Hands the Chief his badge._

Lassie: Thanks. _Gus gives him back his bags._

Shawn: I know you didn't do this, Carlton. And I'm gonna do everything I can to prove it. You'll be back to your usual sexy self, strutting around the department in no time. I promise. _Gives Lassie a quick peck on the cheek._

* * *

Shawn: Jules.

Jules: Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Shawn: Oh, I was guided here, by the spirits and Gus. The spirits told me that you're about to lead us down to the holding cells. Gus just drove.

Jules: Absolutely not, Shawn. As you can see, I am busy with another case.

Shawn: Jules, where's your compassion? This is Lassiter we're talking about here. He's your comrade.

Jules: Don't you dare lecture me, Shawn. I am more upset about this than you could ever be. Lassiter is my partner. How would you feel if something happened to Gus?

Shawn: First of all, you forgot about one key thing, Lassie is my cuddle source and the one person I can honestly say that besides Gus I'm extremely fond of, Two, depends entirely on what happened to him. I mean, if he wakes up one day and he's Howard Jones, I'm like, "Dude, things can only get better."

* * *

 _Shawn and Gus arrive outside the Psych office. Lassie is outside on a bench looking a little worse for wear._

Shawn: Lassie. What's up? You totally abandoned us. Where'd you go?

Lassie: Walking.

Gus: Walking? Where?

Lassie: Around.

Gus: And you're not answering your phone.

Lassie: Nothing to say.

Shawn: Dude, is that my shirt?

Lassie: Oh, yeah, I I spilled tapioca on mine.

Gus: Tapioca? My tapioca? The one with the light dusting of cinnamon on top, - that was in the fridge?

Lassie: Yeah.

Gus: My mom made that.

Shawn: Gus, simmer down. Lassie, what's going on here?

Lassie: Well, let's see my partner's moved on, my career is in shambles, and even sweet lady justice has abandoned me. Bitch.

Shawn: Look, you're not done yet. Scoot over. _Lassie moves over. Shawn sits down and puts his arm around Lassie, pulling him closer to him._ You still have me. _Shawn kisses the top of Lassie's head._ And Gus and I are still on the case. Now, there was someone else down there.

* * *

Drimmer: Hey, Shawn! Out for my nightly jog. Gotta work off those cupcakes.

Shawn: Right. Well. Good luck with that.

Drimmer: Hey, listen, I was wondering something. Are you, uh, are you and O'Hara, you know, an item? Because she seems to talk about you an awful lot.

Shawn: Laughs. No. I'm, I'm currently working on being involved with, uh, with Lassie, That's probably why she talks about me. She's always looking, uh, looking out for him.

* * *

Drimmer: Well, fellas, might as well get on with it. _Drops a piece of paper and a pen on the table._

Lassie: What's that?

Drimmer: That's your suicide note. It explains how Spencer psychically figured out that it was you.

Shawn: I believe the term you're looking for is "divined." Drimmer clocks him on the back of the head with his gun.

Drimmer: Spencer "divined" it was you who killed Chavez and Loggins, and he was gonna go to the chief with it. So you shot him. You two being former lovers and all, you were overwhelmed with guilt.

Shawn: Former lovers? Really? Why not currently attempting to be involved, at least on my end?

Lassie: Called misinformation. He's hoping they won't look too closely. You are one sick twist, Drimmer.

* * *

Drimmer: Stop that! _Lassie lunges for the peanut bowl and pulls out a gun. He shoots Drimmer in the shoulder._

Shawn: Looks like they missed one.

Lassie: At least one. There are eight. And I seriously doubt they found the one in my shower or hidden in my hi-fi.

 _The cops, Henry, Gus and Jules burst into Lassie's apartment._

Shawn: Jules. How'd you find us?

Jules: I tracked Drimmer on his cell phone GPS.

Henry: Shawn, Shawn. Are you all right?

Shawn: Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Hi-fi? Lassie, you were so cool and sexy a second ago. _Wobbles and nearly falls. Henry and Gus catch him. He stabilizes. Lassie does a cool removing the bullet from the gun trick and catches the bullet in his palm._

Shawn: Never mind, you're back to being hot and sexy and cool. _Lassie smirks and winks at him._

* * *

 _Later, at the Psych office…_

 _Knock on the door frame._

Lassie: Knock, knock.

Shawn: _Sits up and perks up._ Lassie!

Lassie: I just wanted to come by and thank you. Looks around. Where's Gus?

Shawn: Oh, he's out. And I thought you thanked us at the station.

Lassie: I thanked the Psych team. I'm here… _He steps closer to Shawn._ To thank you.

Shawn: _Smiles._ Well, you're welcome. Can't have the person I'm working on being involved with in jail now can I?

Lassie: That's the other reason I came down here. What do you mean, working on being involved with?

Shawn: Exactly that. I like you Lassie, a lot believe it or not. I just- I don't know. Want to go out on an actual date, or two, or a few, and see… _Clears throat._ See what happens. What do you say?

Lassie: I say, that I would like that. Very much.

Shawn: Well then, next Friday, 8 o'clock at Martin's?

Lassie: Sounds good. I'll see you next Friday then.

Shawn: Yeah, next Friday.

 _Lassie turns and walks out of the office. Shawn watches him and once he's gone, jumps around in celebration._

* * *

 **S03E12- Earth, Wind and… Wait for It**

Shawn: Yes Shawn Spencer, Head psychic, SBPD. I'm available, not really, but I am available for cases.

Conrad: Um, I'm not gonna do that.

Shawn: Its ok, you don't have to. Lassie here is already doing me. Well, we're working on getting there.

Lassie: Keep it up Spencer, and we'll never get there.

Shawn: The point is I understand.

* * *

Shawn: This man is the reason the fire was set.

Jules: According to the M.E.'s preliminary report, the bullet entered the body at a downward trajectory, based on bone fragments containing lead residue.

Lassie: _Positions Shawn._ See, so from behind and downward means our shooter dropped him down on his knees, popped him execution style. Bang.

Shawn: Lassie, if you wanted me on my knees all you had to do was ask.

* * *

 _Lassie picks up the skull they found._

Lassie: Secondly, the key to solving this case is to figure out who this guy was.

Shawn: _Puts his face right behind the skull._ Come here often?

Lassie; As a matter of fact, I do. Sometimes, but if you're looking to pick me up, try my desk after lunch.

* * *

Jules: According to the M.E.'s report, there's a unique purple rubber melted in between the victim's toes.

Conrad: Unique how?

Jules: It has real specks of gold in it. They think it came from the victim's sneakers.

Shawn: Purple and gold specks. That's jet jaguars. Gus owned them. They're the ugliest and most uncomfortable sneakers known to man.

Lassie: I had a pair. They weren't that bad.

Shawn: They were proven to cause polio.

Lassie: I have elongated metatarsals and inverted phalanges, Spencer. I have to wear whatever fits.

Shawn: Well then you know they were only sold in '98, and then discontinued immediately. By the way, the shoes that do fit, look great on you.

* * *

Jules: This is a mess.

Lassie: Where's Shawn?

Jules: His car's over there.

 _Explosion._

Jules: I can see somebody coming out.

 _Shawn and Gus come out. Shawn carrying Conrad. Gus carrying Army. Lassie is trying to run to them. Jules is trying to keep up._

Lassie: You guys okay?

Jules: What the hell happened? What is Army Johnson doing here?

Shawn: Army tr- He is the- He is— Coughing and unable to speak.

Gus: He's the bad guy.

Lassie: Really? _Notices Shawn is still coughing and rushes over._ Oh my god Shawn, what were you thinking? _Pats Shawn's back._ Don't actually answer that. I'm glad you're okay. Come on, I'll get you a pineapple smoothie, my treat.

* * *

 **S03E13- Any Given Friday Night at 10pm, 9pm Central**

Lassie: Where have you two been? We've left you 12 messages.

Shawn: Lassie, you don't have to leave 12 messages to tell me you had a great time and want to see me again.

* * *

Lassie: I don't see what the big deal is. Bunch of guys in tights and hard hats playing in the dirt.

Shawn: I'd like to see you in some tights.

* * *

Shawn: Benji. Big fan of Rent. Told him that Gus was Tay Dicks so he also gave us these old jerseys. How do I look Lassie?

Lassie: Like the stupid teenagers who live in my neighborhood.

Shawn: Those stupid teenagers are ruggedly sexy, that's weird.

* * *

 _Shawn jogs out back to Lassie and Jules, pauses and jogs in place. Lassie leans over and gazes firmly on Shawn's ass. Shawn turns and Lassie stands._

Shawn: That's right, it's real. Feel free to drink it in.

 _Shawn jogs off and Lassie continues his checking out of Shawn's ass._

* * *

Lassie: Lake? Yeah, we pulled up Vlad's body an hour ago.

Chief: Mr. Spencer, looks like you're a little late to the game this time.

Lassie: What no witty retort, no reference to some obscure 80's film? Wow, O'Hara write this down.

Jules: I don't have a pen.

Lassie: Make note of the date and time that I, Carlton Lassiter, actually shut Shawn Spencer's cavernous pie hole, and I didn't even need to get on my knees or use my dick.

* * *

Lassie: Guster, it's my day off, the case is over. I want to be at the shooting range right now, what is it that you and Shawn want me to see.

 _Gus gestures to hall._ Gus: That.

 _Shawn jogs in with the team behind him and waves at Lassie before dashing off into the tunnel. Lassie gazes after him and tries to hide a smile._

* * *

 **S03E15- Tuesday the 17th**

Lassie: I have a very special dinner this evening with my estranged wife.

Chief: You're reconciling.

Lassie: Things have been pretty good between us lately, we've been friendly. Beyond friendly, I've been asking her to go to Gerard's for months. She's finally accepted.

Chief: Wow Gerard's that's a surprisingly chic choice detective.

Lassie: It's where we had our first date. Back then it was the Greasy Spoon. I had diarrhea for a long while. They actually changed some health codes because of that, but new beginnings and all, you get the connection.

Chief: Well, I really truly wish you the best Carlton. But maybe, you may want to think about the people currently in your life and how it might affect them and if you'll truly be happy with her and not try something new. Oh! And ah, you should be a little cautious here.

Lassie: How so?

Chief: Ah, you know, the whole eggs in the basket, jumping in with both feet thing.

* * *

 **S03E16- An Evening with Mr. Yang**

Shawn: Carlton Lassiter. Shawn Spencer.

Gus: Shawn, Lassiter? Didn't you already go out with him?

Lassie: Spencer? Why are you calling me?

Shawn: Why? Because I had a great time on our date, and I was thinking we should go on a second date.

Lassie: Why do you think that's a good idea?

Shawn: Because I saw a spark in you that I only see when you chase down a perp and catch them.

Lassie: So, a second date?

Shawn: Yes, a second date.

Gus: Shawn, are you sure about this?

Lassie: Shawn, are you sure about this?

Shawn: Yes, I am. I'll pick you up at seven.

* * *

Chief: We received the following letter about an hour ago. It has been authenticated, it is from the Ying Yang Killer. Pay close attention.

Lassie ( _reading_ ): Hey everybody I'm back! For one night only. I'm going to kill someone tonight. guess who? Guess where? Guess how? This is going to be so much fun! Signed, Mr. Yang.

Chief: He's looking for a new challenger. That's what he does.

Lassie: Chief, I believe he is speaking to me. Trust me, I'm ready.

 _Chief clicks the remote. Note comes up on the screen that reads, P.S. …Oh, and bring your psychic along. Murmurs in the background._

Shawn: Oh come on people he could be talking about anybody. Just last week Officer Yankowitz guessed my favorite variety of snack cracker, Tucson Wheat, it's really obscured.

 _Chief clicks remote again. Shawn's picture comes up._

Lassie: Damn it… No. Shawn, no. It's too dangerous. Don't-

Shawn: Lassie, I have to.

* * *

Shawn: I'll tell you what Jules. The next time a serial killer calls you out personally uh you can pick up your little pompoms and you can rally the troops and never say die. I'm out, now get out, all three of you.

Jules: I can't believe I'm hearing this.

Shawn: Shall I say it again!

Lassie: You know what? Screw you Spencer! We don't need you… I don't need you. We don't need him O'Hara. We can find this sicko on our own. Come on, we're running out of time!

Shawn: Are we still on for tonight?!

* * *

Shawn: Look, call me back ok. I want to still be on. Gus and I… We're making progress on our own. I know I said I'm out. But honestly, I needed to stretch my wings, you and Jules were getting too intense and too serious. I work a certain way. Call me back, bye. Puts phone up. Straight to voicemail, that's not a good sign.

Gus: He's on a case Shawn. The same case we're on.

* * *

 _Gus takes out his phone and calls Lassie._ Gus: Lassiter, hold on. _Hands phone to Shawn._

Shawn: What? You'll take his calls but not mine? Check your messages. Anyway, find the girl's car, it's a black Jeep.

* * *

Madeleine: Life is about more than catching bad guys. Now it's time to see about a girl.

Shawn: Guy, mom, he's a guy.

Madeleine: Well then it's time to go see about a guy, a man.

Shawn: Yeah, you're right. It's time to see about a man.

* * *

Shawn: Hey.

Lassie: We got him, well, her. I'm sorry for not answering your call, and for saying that we didn't need you and that I didn't need you.

Shawn: Apology accepted. I cut a deal with the theater manager, so this, our date. Is still happening if you want. How do you feel about popped corn?

Lassie: I like it. It's been a while since I've had it. But I like it.

Shawn: Good.

Lassie: Yeah, good.

* * *

 _After movie._

Lassie: That was good. The ending was pretty solid.

Shawn: Yeah, solid. Glad we used your car instead of Gus', he would have hung around the whole time.

Lassie: Yeah.

Shawn: Lassie… Lassiter… Carlton. _Lassie looks at him._ This case, it's got me thinking. And, well, I like you, a lot. And I want us to be more. I… I want to be a couple. Like you're my boyfriend and I'm yours.

Lassie: Shawn… I think… I think I'd like tha- _Shawn cuts him off with a kiss. A moment (or two) passes as they kiss and finally separate._ I'd like that very much.

 _They kiss again._

* * *

 **Author's note: Hey it's me! I've had that sitting for a while. Just now posting it. I'm trying to pick this little project up again. I have some of season 4 started so at some point I'll have 4 up. Thank's for reading. Hope you enjoyed it. Please review!**


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